I think I'm drowning, can someone lend a hand?

Rough night. Very Very rough night.

I was throwing up from 2am last night until about 2 pm today.

My head has been killing me.

Danielle doesn't want me.

Emily wants my friendship.

They both just want to be friends.

I feel like I have put a lot of effort in the past for both.

And for what?

Nothing

Whats new??

UGH.

And not just that.
School is kind of stressing me out.

Its coming to the end of the semester.

one week left.

I really miss Danielle.

She makes me smile.

Emily just makes me cry.

We have our moments where we have fun like the old days. Like screaming crap out at the Jewel concert thing.
"YEEEAAA YEAYEA YEAYEA!"

haha okay only Emily will understand that one.

HA.

But I mean its like 10% good times with Em and 90% bad.

Danielle until her accident.. literally was like 95% great times and 5% not, which were prob.. all because of me. And the Drama that was in my life.

But I really feel like I am done with the drama.
I'm not going to drink for a while. I need to give it a rest.

It was mostly a substitute for other things.

It started with..

"hurting myself" then I would smoke so I wouldn't do that anymore, and I don't want to smoke, I think it is disgusting, and then it led to me drinking more, out of control drinking. I have a problem. No Joke. This isn't me. I don't want to be that drunk girl. So. I have to change something. NO drinking. No Smoking. No.. u know. But its hard to not do any of these things when I don't have anyone stable in my life to make me happy. I'm not saying AT ALL that I NEED someone else, because I don't I am FINE alone. But having someone makes everything so much easier and happier.

I just feel like I don't have anyone.
No family (close by and I have really shut my mom out of my life, she get upset about it but idk I just can't talk to her about anything anymore. I use to tell her EVERYTHING I have the person I am now. It better get better or I mise well not even be living.

No Girlfriend or Boyfriend.

No body who cares about me.

No best friends (anymore, the ones I have are basically shut out)

I get so upset and stressed out.. I can't handle it all alone, esp when I don't have anyone there for me.

I am fine on my own. Its just like.. I had to transfer schools, and I never established good friendships with anyone on my new team. And I never get to see my old teammates. I don't have interests in hanging out with any of the football players at UGA anymore and before I met Emily that's all I hung out with. Old teammates, Football players and throwers (which are Ems teammates) Then I met Emily and made amazing friends who now want nothing to do with me.

So. What am I left with?

I became closer to Matt, who is amazing. And I met Danielle who has been amazing to me the past two months. Really, IDK whens that last time I was treated like she treats me and makes me feel. I mean until a few things recently, but none of that would have happened if it wasn't for me.

UGH.

My life is spiraling downwards.

I need to gain control again.

Going To Bed Now

Well, I stayed up WAY later than I really wanted to. I am so so so tired.
But shawn and his boy showed up and fooled around on the couch way to long.
Now they are in his room, with loud music. IDK bout them.. ha but I remember what turning on the loud music usually.. well always meant. haha ;) GET IT!!!
I just sat here. All night. Alone. On the comp.
Did a lot of thinking.
Thought about writing some things.
I miss being creative.
I miss drawing.
I miss writing.
I miss Everything I use to be.
Well, Im going to have to figure out how to get the best of both worlds.
I will think about it in my dreams :)
Nighty Night.

Top 5 Myths About Bisexuals

Bisexuals are people who are attracted to both men and women. Bisexuals sometimes get a bad rap. There are many myths and misconceptions about bisexual women. This article will attempt to dispel some of the myths about bisexual women.

1. Myth: Bisexual Women are Really Straight

Fact: Bisexual women are attracted to both men and women. Some bisexual women are more attracted to women. Others are more attracted to men. Some are equally attracted to both men and women. Where ever they fall in the spectrum, a bisexual woman is someone who enjoys intimacy with both men and women.

2. Myth: Bisexual Women are Really Lesbians

Fact: Some women may come out as bisexual before they come out as lesbian because either they're not really sure what they are, or they may think bisexuality is more acceptable than being a lesbian. Bisexuality can be a pathway to coming out as lesbian, but it is not always the case. Conversely, some women may come out as lesbian, but then realize that bisexuality is a more authentic identity.

3. Bisexual Women are Sexually Confused

Fact: There is a belief in both the straight and lesbian community that bisexuals cannot make up their minds which sex they want to be with. Usually it is the straight and gay people who are confused. The bisexuals know who they like: both men and women!

4. Bisexual Women are Promiscuous

Fact: Because bisexual women are attracted to both sexes, some people assume that they are more sexually promiscuous than other people. The truth is, bisexual women are as diverse as the rest of the population. Some may be having all kinds of sexual experiences, others may not have had any sexual relationships at all.

5. Bisexuals will Never Settle with one Person

Fact: Along with other myths about bisexuals is they myth that they will never settle with one sex because they will always be thinking about the other sex. The truth is bisexuals have as much ability to be monogamous as anyone.




Thanks to:
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/bisexualwomen/tp/BiMyths.htm

Interesting Reading:

Phasing Out ‘Phase’ For Bisexual Women

Alley Shot

Laundry

I absolutely hate doing laundry. Right now I am waiting on my third load to finish drying. Maybe, well, it is not so much doing the laundry that i hate, but folding the laundry after it is finished drying. UGH. Well i suppose I need to get use to it. Damn I am making my kids fold laundry as soon as possible. Thats really sad, I know. HA. So basically, I am bored out of my mind, in Athens. My boy Matt went to bed over an hour ago. Danielle left me to drive to North Carolina and to meet her dream boy, and Shawn and his new boy toy recently walked in the door.
My ex Girlfriend is hanging out with her ex boyfriend. She is totally involved with a new girl. My ex boyfriend told me today he wants to date me when I get home, which is code for: "I would totally love to fuck you for three weeks while you are home visiting, then maybe again when you come back from summer" Who does he think I am?? Does he not get the clue that there is a reason I never touched him or anyone really when I actually lived at home? Well maybe if I am single when I get home I need to loosen up and learn to enjoy that sort of thing. I feel like I am the only one who is not enjoying being young and having sex. ha. seriously. But sex is not something that is that unimportant to me. Maybe I hold it to high. Maybe it really is not that big of a deal. I just know thats not the kind of person I am, maybe I need to go explore, couldn't hurt I suppose. I guess we will see where things go eh?
I can't wait to go home and sleep, pitch, run, work out, drink and go play pool atleast every other night.
OH how I miss my sketch hole in the wall pool hall that I take all my friends to. They all love to go to the flashy new big billards. But I prefer, the small hole in the wall pool hall called the Q Club.. about 15 tables, close together, small bar, some video games and a old jutebox. OH how I am in love with that place. The Q Club is as sketchy as its customers, which is .. haha .. sketchy to say the least, but I think it just gives the place so much character. It is so unique. It is not the top of the line pricey bright big billards with the annoying pop music playing. It is the dark bad ass awesome pool hall with lynard Skynard blasting through the jutebox speakers. <3 It makes me miss home soo much.
Well.. I guess it is back to laundry for a bit. Im sure my mind will continue to wander, like always and i will be writting on here once again. I honestly LOVE my Blog.. it is just amazing and the perfect place to get my thoughts written down, where I will never lose them. :)

Thoughts About Last Night

Last night was interesting.
I forced Danielle to come over to Matts, took a few hours.
I'm glad she did.
I happy I put a few small smiles on her face.
She is cute-er when she is smiling.
I feel like I am just.. lost.. really. I don't know my next move.
Which is rare. I always know my next move.
I mean. I lost Danielle. I lost Emily.
I saw both of those coming, maybe not Emily but I mean I guess there is a reason why I lost her.
Why every time I see her I am upset.
And Every time I see Danielle I'm in a good mood.
Most of the time.
But I can't trust a liar.
Can I?
Well I guess shes always been a lair and I did trust her at one point.
But I knew it was over the second she told me she called Krystal when she was in an accident.
I guess I just can't always have what I want.
Maybe I should have voiced what I wanted sooner,
Maybe that wouldn't have made a difference.
I hate that everyone has their opinions to tell me.
About Danielle and Emily.
Everyone can Fck off.
Maybe things would be easier if people kept their thoughts to themselves, at least negative ones.. and let me figure shit out on my own.
FML.
My eyes hurt.
I'm hungry.
I do not know what I am doing for thanksgiving.
I am thinking maybe I will spend it alone.
I think I would be okay with that.
UGH
Maybe not.
I just want to go home.
I miss my family. and my pain in the ass brother.
and my Bronco
and my annoying dog.
and my jacuzzi
and my living room and couch
and Zack
and the low lives.
lol.
I just miss it all.
I miss rick and bev and Jenna
I'm sure Jenna is so big now. I haven't seen her in a year.
Unbelievable.
I have really been living a second life in Ga.
wow.. i really have.
would I have the same actions in Cali?
Where my friends and family were a part of it?
i guess I just always do what makes me happy.
Actually, makes other ppl happy.
"Be a friend to yourself"
I like that.
mmm..
ok. Im guna go jump on my Boyfriend Matt.
Can I say.. I am tired of flirting and kissing multiple ppl, yea it is fun but I'm tired of not being able to trust the person I like
I just want ONE person. ONE person I can kiss and hug and hold hands with. ONE person that I can enjoy spending the day with that I know I can talk to and trust. I just want someone who cares about me.
I always said I wanted to date someone just like me.. because I am the perfect GF. Well IDK if that is what I think anymore, because I saw how that played out. But I guess there were A LOT of factors that made things turn out the way they were, and they were ALL my FAULT.
BUT.
I think I always kept Emily as back up almost, and Danielle as back up for em if that makes sense. I had a feeling that Emily would move on and Danielle would run back to Krystal, even though she always swore.. 'Ive never gone back to an ex' well this is not the 1st 2nd or 3rd time she has run back to her.. maybe that is something amazing.. or maybe that is someone being stupid and hoping and wishing on something that will never be there again.
You shouldn't have to fight or force (that's the better word) someone to love you back. Either they do. or don't. easy as that.
Either way I will be there for Em and Danielle as a friend or not or more.. doesn't matter, even though last night, I think was the hardest thing ever, all I wanted to do was kiss Danielle. really. ugh. I've never felt that way about just kissing someone.. haah. not that I can recall. It was hard for me to look at her without grabbin her face and smackin one her. lol.
I haven't felt that way with Emily since.. we first started dating maybe. Def never felt that way after we broke up. Still have not forgiven her. IDK why its not easy.. maybe its because she doesn't deserve someone as great as me. ha.
Maybe because I saw right through her.
Danielle once said.. I think the first night I met her.
something like
"I can't believe she broke up with you, she must be crazy"
well that's how i remember it and my memory is horrible. so. IDK.. maybe Danielle and em are crazy. Or maybe it really is me. I need to go for what I want.
Wish it was that easy.
ugh.
easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I knew It.

I knew I should have gotten back with Emily.
I just thought.. maybe.. maybe.. i could find someone who treated me better.
So I royally ruined things with Emily for Danielle.
Buying into her BS.
Now I see where I screwed up.
I shouldn't be so gullible.
Maybe I was just hopefull.
Anyways. I am 110% Misersable now.
Because I thought I was doing what was right for me at the time.
Now I see.. I was fooled.
Its just sad how my life turns around so quickly. from way too happy and in love to.. this.. shit.. alone..
I guess ill be alone.. and find someone someday that can keep me company.
I wish Emily wasn't right. and I wish Danielle was worth it.
I wanted to believe the things she said and did.
UGH
Now I see Emily WASNT perfect at all. But atleast she was her. She didn't pull too much BS in 6 months, I think Danielle has already topped her in 2 months. LOL
What to do.
Can someone just be real with me?
Can I just have someone who will love me and treat me the way I love and treat them??
I dont understand how that is so hard for people.
If you like someone, you should do your best to make them happy.. right?
Well I think so.
AND
I think there should be 100% honesty. ALWAYS. Even if it hurts someone.
Just some Thoughts.
I just, its lame.. but dont see a reason to live, not that life is all about relationships, but I am a huge fan of love and relationships, it completes ME to make someone smile and happy. It really does. and it makes the rest of my life fall into place, which apparently is not a good thigs according to Emily.
God.
Help.
Me.
Figure out what and where I am suposed to go.
Christmas Break cannot come soon enough I need a break.
It will be my runnaway.
Wish I could take someone special with me for a lovers runnaway.
Is there anything or anyone that i can believe in anymore.
Im so lost.
whats new?
:(

Rough Week..End.

Thursday:
The girl I love(d) with all my heart.. slept with the girl she was casually dating.. that was only suposed to be company and fun and nothing more than kissing.
I was shocked. It hurts. Esp considering our talk a few days prior.
Cried to Matt, he said come to Athens, and he will make me feel better.
I talked to Danielle. Got ready at her place randomly, because I wasn't really on good terms with her.
Went out. Wasn't myself.
My ex locked me in the Bathroom yelling at me.
Danielle got mad, because I kissed a hott gay boy. Shes not my GF so it shouldn't matter. If she wanted me to herself she should have made me her GF.
OH. On the was to Athens Thurs.. I got a Ticket. My first ticket ever.
My friends .. actually one, Emily Bird was a piece of shit that night. But I understand why she is up my exes ass. Doesn't mean she can be like that.
What else...
I broke my 300+ dollar phone.
Friday:
Woke up at Danielles.
Left my stuff there because I was going to tutoring and weights in ATL then coming right back to Athens.
I got back to her place.
She told me, too bad my phone was broke because while I was on the way there, she was on the phone with her mom crying, and her mom told her to come home.
She left me alone.
I didn't hear from her.
Thought she was dead.
She had an accident recently that was the same way, her phone was off.
So i really thought she was dead.
Didnt sleep hardly at all.
Cried a lot.
Sat:
Woke up.. checked my comp every hour in the night waiting for something from Danielle.
Planned on doing HW all day but instead I was freaking out calling EVERYONE to see where danielle was. even messaged her ex.. and people who hate her. lol. AND found her home number online. called.
That night.....
I found out where she was from Elli.
She must have heard her told me bc magically she called me within 5 min after I talked to Elli.
She told me a bunch of BS lies.
I cried all day because I can't find a good person. They are all shit. Every last person.
Em made me to to Macon City to Vals to go out to cheer me up.
I was misserable all night.
I was the buzz kill
I dont remember one thing anyone said that night.
I was so destrought. Idk what was wrong with me. Ive never been that way.
Drank some. Cried more.
My eyes had tears for 24 hours. lol not ok.
Slept in Lauras bed with Em. She held me and I cried. It was sweet.
She is happy with her new girl. and told me i am beautiful and an amazing girl and I will find someone.. basically telling me that we are done. more done than before.. if possible. which is fine i can barely look at her after she fucked kim2.
Sun:
Drove back to Athens.
Talked to Danielle. Told me how sad she is. Welcome to the club girl. Ur not the only one who is a mess and has bad thoughts in the world. Stop being so selfish.
I told her I will be there for her.
Her ex messaged me on FB after.. apparently she says some things.. theres no sure way to know who to believe. Danielle has lied to me multiple times. Friday she did it straight to my face. so how could i trust her at all?
IDK im not ok with liers.
Then I gave pitching lessons, got out of me negative crying mood ive been in all weekend.. because I have to teach my students how to be positive and confident with pitching.. so it made me a lil more positive.. or maybe just a lil less negative.
Now. Im layin in bed.
Danielle is ignoring my texts once again. and i called once.
I deserve so much better than this shit.

I Need Someone That I can Share These Feelings With :]]

I think I have a problem. When it comes to Lyrics and Quotes, I am so obsessed. I can't help it. So here are some quotes I came across today. LOVE THEM. Amazing.


"I’m a fish out of water without you."- Author Unknown
[so cute riight? All of the quotes are amazing, but I think this is so simple and adorable]]

"Will you love me in December as you do in May,Will you love me in the good old fashioned way?When my hair has all turned gray,Will you kiss me then and say,That you love me in December as you do in May?"
~James J. Walker
[[Beautiful && Perfect]]


"If I know what love is,It is because of you." ~ by Herman Hesse ~
"Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time… "

"Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up"

"Do I love you because you’re beautiful,Or are you beautiful because I love you?"

"For you see, each day I love you moreToday more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."



“Honey…I love you; not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”

"Where ever I go, whatever I do, I carry a little part of you with me right here in the center of me heart."

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never… never forget it."

"Your absence has gone through me..Like thread through a needle Everything I do is stitched with its color."
~W.S. Merwin, “Separation”

"If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will."- Author Unknown
[ii just thiink thiis iis cUtE]


"Within you I lose myself…Without you I find myself…..Wanting to be lost again."
-Author Unknown
[ii thiink thiis iis vEry trUe wiith a lOt Of rElatiionshiips]

"I’ve learned…that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel"

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk foreverin my garden."
-Attributed to Claudia Ghandi
[[pErfEct]]

"You may only be one person to the worldBut you may also be the world to one person."

"No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all."

"Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, love like you’ll never get hurt and live like its heaven on earth”

"I’ve learnedthat no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief."

“Maybe I’m holding on to you too tightly, wishing every nite on my star that you’ll come back. Please forgive me for the way I look at you and the things I say. I can’t help it that I fell for you like I did. One day I’ll finally realize that we weren’t meant to be. But until that day comes I’ll keep the memories close. You’ll still be the first thing on my mind when I wake up and my last thoughts before I drift on in dream.” -Author Unknown
[[OMG totally completely explains SO much iin my liife]]

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night."-Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
:]]

"I’ve learned…that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."
[[this is funnnnnny!]

"I’ve been laying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then."-Author Unknown
[[Some quotes are just so amazing]]

"I’ve learned…that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have."

"I have waited for you for 2 years and I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Even if that means I have to give you up for the rest of my life, I will wait for you. I love you that much and nothing will ever change that."-Author Unknown

"I’ve learned…that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself."

"Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them."

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."
- Dr. Seuss

"I know you’ve been busy, I had things to do too. We haven’t talked for some time, I wonder if everything’s fine. I had other stuff on me mind, I’m sure you did too, but I just had to tell you this my friend…" hey I miss you.-Author Unknown

When I miss you, sometimes I listen to music or look at pictures of you, not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you."
-Author Unknown
[[omg is all I have to say]]

"I’ve learned…that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different."

"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar;but never doubt I love you.I love thee, I love but thee with a love that shall not die.Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old."
-William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616

"No matter how far you are, no matter how long I’m gone, you will always be with me. I will see you always as clear as day, for our love knows no boundries and never will, because you see… our hearts are one, and mine is always home."-Author Unknown

Fool Me Once

Two girls who have made me extremely happy. They are exactly alike. I loved the one on the right with all my heart. I will always love her, but not in the same way. I got caught up in the moment a few times. The girl on the right doesnt believe the way I feel about the girl on the right. This is understandable conisidering she is still in love with her ex.

I cared too much and let my gaurd down to soon for the girl on the left. I know better than to do that. You think I would have learned the first time with the girl on the right. But I feel like I made all the same mistakes with the girl on the right.

I wish the girl on the left would have understood my feelings for her. The girl on the right understands my feelings for the one on the left. I didnt love the girl on the left like the girl on the right, that girl on the right literally was love at first sight almost, it was amazing. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

I felt like the girl on the left and I were perfect for eachother because we were so much a like. I have always, always wished I could date someone like me. Someone who does and says all the sweet little things that I always do. Esp. someone who likes to tickle me.. sounds akward, but the girl on the left always did, and I had to beg the girl on the right and she would complain or say no. Its like I could give the girl on the right the shirt off my back and she would never do the same for me. The girl on the left, I would give her the shirt off my back, she would give me her shirt, shoes, pants, everything for anyone, and that is how I am. I wanted someone like her. I found her, but she didn't think she found what she was looking for.

I just think it is sad that I hurt almost the same for both. One broke my heart because I loved her so much, and the other broke my heart because I just love being around her, she makes me smile, and I love more than anything to make her smile, ugh, there is so much I can say. I just think it is pointless. This is just me venting.

I wish these two could read my mind and know how I really feel.

Im lost, once again.

I hate myself.

seriously.

hate.

me.

A Mess

My head is killing me.
I can't stop grinding my teeth.
I don't know what is going on in my head anymore.
I just need someone to help me.
She destroyed me.
I let her.
Its all my fault.
I can't keep it together when Im alone.
I can't be okay and content alone.
I can't get my mind off things that I don't want it on.
Why is it so hard?
I just want to forget her because I can't be okay thinking about the past and her.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why?