Thoughts About Last Night

Last night was interesting.
I forced Danielle to come over to Matts, took a few hours.
I'm glad she did.
I happy I put a few small smiles on her face.
She is cute-er when she is smiling.
I feel like I am just.. lost.. really. I don't know my next move.
Which is rare. I always know my next move.
I mean. I lost Danielle. I lost Emily.
I saw both of those coming, maybe not Emily but I mean I guess there is a reason why I lost her.
Why every time I see her I am upset.
And Every time I see Danielle I'm in a good mood.
Most of the time.
But I can't trust a liar.
Can I?
Well I guess shes always been a lair and I did trust her at one point.
But I knew it was over the second she told me she called Krystal when she was in an accident.
I guess I just can't always have what I want.
Maybe I should have voiced what I wanted sooner,
Maybe that wouldn't have made a difference.
I hate that everyone has their opinions to tell me.
About Danielle and Emily.
Everyone can Fck off.
Maybe things would be easier if people kept their thoughts to themselves, at least negative ones.. and let me figure shit out on my own.
FML.
My eyes hurt.
I'm hungry.
I do not know what I am doing for thanksgiving.
I am thinking maybe I will spend it alone.
I think I would be okay with that.
UGH
Maybe not.
I just want to go home.
I miss my family. and my pain in the ass brother.
and my Bronco
and my annoying dog.
and my jacuzzi
and my living room and couch
and Zack
and the low lives.
lol.
I just miss it all.
I miss rick and bev and Jenna
I'm sure Jenna is so big now. I haven't seen her in a year.
Unbelievable.
I have really been living a second life in Ga.
wow.. i really have.
would I have the same actions in Cali?
Where my friends and family were a part of it?
i guess I just always do what makes me happy.
Actually, makes other ppl happy.
"Be a friend to yourself"
I like that.
mmm..
ok. Im guna go jump on my Boyfriend Matt.
Can I say.. I am tired of flirting and kissing multiple ppl, yea it is fun but I'm tired of not being able to trust the person I like
I just want ONE person. ONE person I can kiss and hug and hold hands with. ONE person that I can enjoy spending the day with that I know I can talk to and trust. I just want someone who cares about me.
I always said I wanted to date someone just like me.. because I am the perfect GF. Well IDK if that is what I think anymore, because I saw how that played out. But I guess there were A LOT of factors that made things turn out the way they were, and they were ALL my FAULT.
BUT.
I think I always kept Emily as back up almost, and Danielle as back up for em if that makes sense. I had a feeling that Emily would move on and Danielle would run back to Krystal, even though she always swore.. 'Ive never gone back to an ex' well this is not the 1st 2nd or 3rd time she has run back to her.. maybe that is something amazing.. or maybe that is someone being stupid and hoping and wishing on something that will never be there again.
You shouldn't have to fight or force (that's the better word) someone to love you back. Either they do. or don't. easy as that.
Either way I will be there for Em and Danielle as a friend or not or more.. doesn't matter, even though last night, I think was the hardest thing ever, all I wanted to do was kiss Danielle. really. ugh. I've never felt that way about just kissing someone.. haah. not that I can recall. It was hard for me to look at her without grabbin her face and smackin one her. lol.
I haven't felt that way with Emily since.. we first started dating maybe. Def never felt that way after we broke up. Still have not forgiven her. IDK why its not easy.. maybe its because she doesn't deserve someone as great as me. ha.
Maybe because I saw right through her.
Danielle once said.. I think the first night I met her.
something like
"I can't believe she broke up with you, she must be crazy"
well that's how i remember it and my memory is horrible. so. IDK.. maybe Danielle and em are crazy. Or maybe it really is me. I need to go for what I want.
Wish it was that easy.
ugh.
easy peasy lemon squeezy.