Thinking..

The past 24 hours... I have just wished I had someone here.. I miss having someone. Ugh. Not implying that I just want anyone. No.. no.. I just want someone that makes me smile. :) I am happy alone.. its just one of those days, where I wish I wasn't, you know.. its a rainy cuddley day for me here in cali..
I know im a great girl.. so how am I always alone, guess I haven't found anyone good enough for me yet. Maybe im just picky. Who knows. I dont share my kisses and cuddles with anyone.. OK OK well when im drunk and single, everyone gets my kisses.. but i usually like my kisses to have more meaning to them.

I Have Made a Decision

Maybe I just deserve all this. Maybe. IDK. Maybe I am just not seeing something.. Maybe its all my fault. Like everything else in my life. HA.
LOVE IT.
:(
I can't blame other people for things. I have control of my own feelings actions emotions etc.
blah.
I mean I should have control over them.
:/

Why Am I So Emotional Lately?

Why am I always on the verge of crying? I don't understand me anymore. Fuck. I feel like bawling, I have that feeling inside. Because a friend is being a bitch to me. Maybe because I feel like I would do anything for her.. and she is acting this way? I don't know. Its not worth crying over, I don't think. I mean. Why would I cry over something like that? People have been a complete bitch to me before and I don't give a shit, really, I could care less. Well actually, now that I think of it. My GOOD friends, or any friends at all, are rarely bitchy to me because I don't give them a reason to be. I didn't give this friend a reason at all. I liked her a lot previously, she doesn't want me.. I can suck it up and be a friend to her, so I listen to all her problems and the good things.. all good and bad she wants to tell me. I give any advice I can, and I just listen.. I did that today, didnt talk to her all day.. I call her to see whats up, havent heard from her.. and I get bitched at?? WHY? I didnt deserve it. Im just not use to it. She is turining into a bad person. Maybe this is just how she treats all her friends? I've only seen the dating side of her. . . If thats the case, I care a lot a lot a lot for her, but I can do without her friendship. Esp when she is acting as bad or worse than me ex right now. UGH. Love venting.. to myself.. haha on my blog that absolutely nobody reads. hA.

:)

I love myself and wont let someone treat me wrong. Live and Learn.

“Beg for it” (No.. I won't beg for you.. I will fight for a lost cause)!

Listening to: Avett Brothers: If its the beaches
Don't say its over.. (Makes me think of you. Not her).
Last night:
Lets start from the beginning of my day. Well.
Danielle spent the night with me Monday night. :) Makes me happy.
Woke up, studied. Danielle and I then drove to get some grubb. Then she drove me to class to take my final.
She then left for Athens, planning to return later that night.
Thats all I was looking forward to all day.
After my first final.. I had a two hour break.
Instead of studying, I talked to Danielle on AIM.
I think I could be around that girl all the time and be perfectly happy.
We chatted. She was excited to come back to ATL. :)
I went to take my AAS final.
My teacher didn't show up. :))
Good and Bad, if he didn't show up.. what does that mean for my grade?? He better have given us an A on the final. Or Else!
If he gives me an A on the final, I get a B in the class.. which is NEEDED. Really badly.
((Now listening to Damien Rice: Sleep Don't Weep))
Ok. So after my final, I planned on napping, but I was so excited, and sad to see Danielle.
Sad because I was about to leave for three weeks.
Well. I was about to be so disappointed.
She didn't come. Not only did she have my car with her.
She decided that she didn't want to come anymore, and that she is done with me in that way. . …
You would think the way girls treated me.. I would be done with them. I just don't want to be done with her. Its horrible to say, but, I mean, it wasn't easy for me to be done with Emily ( my ex ) but.. Danielle and I have a COMPLETELY different connection than Emily and I had. Not like O so serious lol
But.. ok.. like we say the same shit at the same time. Annoying, but cool.
Idk.
I don;t know why I let someone pull me alone for the ride. I was.. not just “fun or a game” to her but what am I supposed to think of it.
If I would have realized nothing was going to come out of it.. IDK.. I just don't agree with Fck buddies. If we were “dating” thats one thing.. IDK things, life would have been better without either of our exes in the picture, because I think we are really damn good together. Why am I crushing so hard?? wtf.
I'm sure she loves it. Just one more person to like her.. to fight for her.. seems like a game to me eh?
God.. idk.. sometimes I see more and more resemblance to Danielle and Emily everyday. Which I don't like, I'm not with Emily for a reason. For Danielle. And Emily is not the same person anymore. She is an important part of my history that will never be forgotten.
((Whatever you like :))) Playing [DANIELLE]))
Anyways. One difference in me and Danielle that I hate.. She doesn't realize that the past is PAST. People change, theres nothing you can do about it.
Does she really think if she is back with her ex she will be happy?
There is NO possible was for things to go back to normal with them, tooo much bad shit has happened, which is yet another reason I am done with Emily, because too much has happened.. we don't see each other the same way anymore.
Ugh. Just venting.
I am only assuming that Danielle is.. once again.. (how many times now) .. going to try and get back with Krystal. Same outcome in the past.. same outcome in the future.. wow you think I would take my own advice. For me. Why do I think the outcome with Danielle will be any different? She fails to surprise me with a different, positive, outcome... how many times has she said she just wants me to be her friend.. and then change her mind (thank god) again.. idk 4 times probably.
The only reason I think this whole mess is for Krystal, is because its predictable, and has already happened before.. and she told emily, that if emily and I really love each other why don't we fight for it and try to work things out.. see this is how she thinks. There is always someone better out there for you Danielle. I was one.. that you don't want.. but don't worry.. there are more.. more people who will make you smile, make your bad day better, bring you rainbow twizlers, drive to Athens constantly for you, come to Athens when you sound like you are having a bad day, care when you are in pain.. physically and emotionally, have those crazy fun times with you, go camping with you, try new things for you, wrestle with you, love your Kayla, drive to you when you had an accident (hopefully no more of those) someone who will be your friend and listen to you, (even though I put my own opinions in there a few times but I can't help it.. thats just me), someone who is honest, who isn't afraid to be themselves around you (good or bad), someone who will just care about you, there will be more people that will surprise you with their kindness and will do anything for you.. like me. But they are not me. UGH. I make this sound like the end of the world, or like we broke up. But we were nothing to break up. You just decided I wasn't good enough anymore. (for your play or whatever I am.. thought I was or should have been more)
OK this isn't a letter to Danielle lol.. this is my blog, my thoughts just turned into a letter format. I doubt she will even read this. HA. Really.
Things through my head.. Maybe she just wants to go sleep with who ever without feeling guilty. Wow that would be horrible. Im not planning on hooking up with anyone.. I know I'm single but I know what I want.. and don't wana screw up any chance I might have with that.. which seems to be none right now.. but I guess I like to fight for what I want.. only if I really want something.. and I am stubborn about it.
I know what I want and like..
So I have to do everything I can to get it.. and if I fail.. at least I know I tried my hardest.
OK RIGHT NOW:
Danielle has my car.. shes not answering my phone.. hope she is okay.. if she is not going to answer and let me know she is ok.. before I get on my flight.. and I have to think and freak out if she is okay on a five hour flight with NO WAY of communication.. OH ill kill her..
This wont be the first time she has done this. GOD, the more I type the more I see how shitty this is.
Hmm... interesting..
Guess I like the wrong people.. just waiting for the amazing Danielle to come back I guess. :) Because that Danielle.. really is.. AMAZING.
((LISTENING TO: Avett Brothers.. they have amazing lyrics))
Man my phone just lit up and im jumped.. wasn't her.. was my mom.
If Danielle reads this..
listen to.
((Pete Murray: see the sun and Ingrid Michaelson: Breakable..thats just a good song.. I think.. I'm weird with music though.. u know this && Pete Murray: Bitter)) :)
Can you see the sun? With me.
ON THE AIRPLANE NOW: Hour Thirty Minutes left to go. (Half a day down 3 wks until I come back to you.. I hope.)
I miss you.
Thats what I am thinking.
Sorry I had Emily issues and drama.
Thats not me.
I/I'm changed/changing.
Sorry you have Krystal issues and drama.
Imagine what we could have.
All I can think about what we could have is :)
Lets topic Change:
The guy sitting next to me is a kreeper.. but passed out. Now he is snoring too loud.. I can hear it even with my ipod in.. :/ and I don't listen to it quitely.. thats for damn sure. ;)
LISTENING TO: Smashing Pumpkins: Perfect
LOVE IT!

I think I'm drowning, can someone lend a hand?

Rough night. Very Very rough night.

I was throwing up from 2am last night until about 2 pm today.

My head has been killing me.

Danielle doesn't want me.

Emily wants my friendship.

They both just want to be friends.

I feel like I have put a lot of effort in the past for both.

And for what?

Nothing

Whats new??

UGH.

And not just that.
School is kind of stressing me out.

Its coming to the end of the semester.

one week left.

I really miss Danielle.

She makes me smile.

Emily just makes me cry.

We have our moments where we have fun like the old days. Like screaming crap out at the Jewel concert thing.
"YEEEAAA YEAYEA YEAYEA!"

haha okay only Emily will understand that one.

HA.

But I mean its like 10% good times with Em and 90% bad.

Danielle until her accident.. literally was like 95% great times and 5% not, which were prob.. all because of me. And the Drama that was in my life.

But I really feel like I am done with the drama.
I'm not going to drink for a while. I need to give it a rest.

It was mostly a substitute for other things.

It started with..

"hurting myself" then I would smoke so I wouldn't do that anymore, and I don't want to smoke, I think it is disgusting, and then it led to me drinking more, out of control drinking. I have a problem. No Joke. This isn't me. I don't want to be that drunk girl. So. I have to change something. NO drinking. No Smoking. No.. u know. But its hard to not do any of these things when I don't have anyone stable in my life to make me happy. I'm not saying AT ALL that I NEED someone else, because I don't I am FINE alone. But having someone makes everything so much easier and happier.

I just feel like I don't have anyone.
No family (close by and I have really shut my mom out of my life, she get upset about it but idk I just can't talk to her about anything anymore. I use to tell her EVERYTHING I have the person I am now. It better get better or I mise well not even be living.

No Girlfriend or Boyfriend.

No body who cares about me.

No best friends (anymore, the ones I have are basically shut out)

I get so upset and stressed out.. I can't handle it all alone, esp when I don't have anyone there for me.

I am fine on my own. Its just like.. I had to transfer schools, and I never established good friendships with anyone on my new team. And I never get to see my old teammates. I don't have interests in hanging out with any of the football players at UGA anymore and before I met Emily that's all I hung out with. Old teammates, Football players and throwers (which are Ems teammates) Then I met Emily and made amazing friends who now want nothing to do with me.

So. What am I left with?

I became closer to Matt, who is amazing. And I met Danielle who has been amazing to me the past two months. Really, IDK whens that last time I was treated like she treats me and makes me feel. I mean until a few things recently, but none of that would have happened if it wasn't for me.

UGH.

My life is spiraling downwards.

I need to gain control again.

Going To Bed Now

Well, I stayed up WAY later than I really wanted to. I am so so so tired.
But shawn and his boy showed up and fooled around on the couch way to long.
Now they are in his room, with loud music. IDK bout them.. ha but I remember what turning on the loud music usually.. well always meant. haha ;) GET IT!!!
I just sat here. All night. Alone. On the comp.
Did a lot of thinking.
Thought about writing some things.
I miss being creative.
I miss drawing.
I miss writing.
I miss Everything I use to be.
Well, Im going to have to figure out how to get the best of both worlds.
I will think about it in my dreams :)
Nighty Night.

Top 5 Myths About Bisexuals

Bisexuals are people who are attracted to both men and women. Bisexuals sometimes get a bad rap. There are many myths and misconceptions about bisexual women. This article will attempt to dispel some of the myths about bisexual women.

1. Myth: Bisexual Women are Really Straight

Fact: Bisexual women are attracted to both men and women. Some bisexual women are more attracted to women. Others are more attracted to men. Some are equally attracted to both men and women. Where ever they fall in the spectrum, a bisexual woman is someone who enjoys intimacy with both men and women.

2. Myth: Bisexual Women are Really Lesbians

Fact: Some women may come out as bisexual before they come out as lesbian because either they're not really sure what they are, or they may think bisexuality is more acceptable than being a lesbian. Bisexuality can be a pathway to coming out as lesbian, but it is not always the case. Conversely, some women may come out as lesbian, but then realize that bisexuality is a more authentic identity.

3. Bisexual Women are Sexually Confused

Fact: There is a belief in both the straight and lesbian community that bisexuals cannot make up their minds which sex they want to be with. Usually it is the straight and gay people who are confused. The bisexuals know who they like: both men and women!

4. Bisexual Women are Promiscuous

Fact: Because bisexual women are attracted to both sexes, some people assume that they are more sexually promiscuous than other people. The truth is, bisexual women are as diverse as the rest of the population. Some may be having all kinds of sexual experiences, others may not have had any sexual relationships at all.

5. Bisexuals will Never Settle with one Person

Fact: Along with other myths about bisexuals is they myth that they will never settle with one sex because they will always be thinking about the other sex. The truth is bisexuals have as much ability to be monogamous as anyone.




Thanks to:
http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/bisexualwomen/tp/BiMyths.htm

Interesting Reading:

Phasing Out ‘Phase’ For Bisexual Women

Alley Shot

Laundry

I absolutely hate doing laundry. Right now I am waiting on my third load to finish drying. Maybe, well, it is not so much doing the laundry that i hate, but folding the laundry after it is finished drying. UGH. Well i suppose I need to get use to it. Damn I am making my kids fold laundry as soon as possible. Thats really sad, I know. HA. So basically, I am bored out of my mind, in Athens. My boy Matt went to bed over an hour ago. Danielle left me to drive to North Carolina and to meet her dream boy, and Shawn and his new boy toy recently walked in the door.
My ex Girlfriend is hanging out with her ex boyfriend. She is totally involved with a new girl. My ex boyfriend told me today he wants to date me when I get home, which is code for: "I would totally love to fuck you for three weeks while you are home visiting, then maybe again when you come back from summer" Who does he think I am?? Does he not get the clue that there is a reason I never touched him or anyone really when I actually lived at home? Well maybe if I am single when I get home I need to loosen up and learn to enjoy that sort of thing. I feel like I am the only one who is not enjoying being young and having sex. ha. seriously. But sex is not something that is that unimportant to me. Maybe I hold it to high. Maybe it really is not that big of a deal. I just know thats not the kind of person I am, maybe I need to go explore, couldn't hurt I suppose. I guess we will see where things go eh?
I can't wait to go home and sleep, pitch, run, work out, drink and go play pool atleast every other night.
OH how I miss my sketch hole in the wall pool hall that I take all my friends to. They all love to go to the flashy new big billards. But I prefer, the small hole in the wall pool hall called the Q Club.. about 15 tables, close together, small bar, some video games and a old jutebox. OH how I am in love with that place. The Q Club is as sketchy as its customers, which is .. haha .. sketchy to say the least, but I think it just gives the place so much character. It is so unique. It is not the top of the line pricey bright big billards with the annoying pop music playing. It is the dark bad ass awesome pool hall with lynard Skynard blasting through the jutebox speakers. <3 It makes me miss home soo much.
Well.. I guess it is back to laundry for a bit. Im sure my mind will continue to wander, like always and i will be writting on here once again. I honestly LOVE my Blog.. it is just amazing and the perfect place to get my thoughts written down, where I will never lose them. :)

Thoughts About Last Night

Last night was interesting.
I forced Danielle to come over to Matts, took a few hours.
I'm glad she did.
I happy I put a few small smiles on her face.
She is cute-er when she is smiling.
I feel like I am just.. lost.. really. I don't know my next move.
Which is rare. I always know my next move.
I mean. I lost Danielle. I lost Emily.
I saw both of those coming, maybe not Emily but I mean I guess there is a reason why I lost her.
Why every time I see her I am upset.
And Every time I see Danielle I'm in a good mood.
Most of the time.
But I can't trust a liar.
Can I?
Well I guess shes always been a lair and I did trust her at one point.
But I knew it was over the second she told me she called Krystal when she was in an accident.
I guess I just can't always have what I want.
Maybe I should have voiced what I wanted sooner,
Maybe that wouldn't have made a difference.
I hate that everyone has their opinions to tell me.
About Danielle and Emily.
Everyone can Fck off.
Maybe things would be easier if people kept their thoughts to themselves, at least negative ones.. and let me figure shit out on my own.
FML.
My eyes hurt.
I'm hungry.
I do not know what I am doing for thanksgiving.
I am thinking maybe I will spend it alone.
I think I would be okay with that.
UGH
Maybe not.
I just want to go home.
I miss my family. and my pain in the ass brother.
and my Bronco
and my annoying dog.
and my jacuzzi
and my living room and couch
and Zack
and the low lives.
lol.
I just miss it all.
I miss rick and bev and Jenna
I'm sure Jenna is so big now. I haven't seen her in a year.
Unbelievable.
I have really been living a second life in Ga.
wow.. i really have.
would I have the same actions in Cali?
Where my friends and family were a part of it?
i guess I just always do what makes me happy.
Actually, makes other ppl happy.
"Be a friend to yourself"
I like that.
mmm..
ok. Im guna go jump on my Boyfriend Matt.
Can I say.. I am tired of flirting and kissing multiple ppl, yea it is fun but I'm tired of not being able to trust the person I like
I just want ONE person. ONE person I can kiss and hug and hold hands with. ONE person that I can enjoy spending the day with that I know I can talk to and trust. I just want someone who cares about me.
I always said I wanted to date someone just like me.. because I am the perfect GF. Well IDK if that is what I think anymore, because I saw how that played out. But I guess there were A LOT of factors that made things turn out the way they were, and they were ALL my FAULT.
BUT.
I think I always kept Emily as back up almost, and Danielle as back up for em if that makes sense. I had a feeling that Emily would move on and Danielle would run back to Krystal, even though she always swore.. 'Ive never gone back to an ex' well this is not the 1st 2nd or 3rd time she has run back to her.. maybe that is something amazing.. or maybe that is someone being stupid and hoping and wishing on something that will never be there again.
You shouldn't have to fight or force (that's the better word) someone to love you back. Either they do. or don't. easy as that.
Either way I will be there for Em and Danielle as a friend or not or more.. doesn't matter, even though last night, I think was the hardest thing ever, all I wanted to do was kiss Danielle. really. ugh. I've never felt that way about just kissing someone.. haah. not that I can recall. It was hard for me to look at her without grabbin her face and smackin one her. lol.
I haven't felt that way with Emily since.. we first started dating maybe. Def never felt that way after we broke up. Still have not forgiven her. IDK why its not easy.. maybe its because she doesn't deserve someone as great as me. ha.
Maybe because I saw right through her.
Danielle once said.. I think the first night I met her.
something like
"I can't believe she broke up with you, she must be crazy"
well that's how i remember it and my memory is horrible. so. IDK.. maybe Danielle and em are crazy. Or maybe it really is me. I need to go for what I want.
Wish it was that easy.
ugh.
easy peasy lemon squeezy.

I knew It.

I knew I should have gotten back with Emily.
I just thought.. maybe.. maybe.. i could find someone who treated me better.
So I royally ruined things with Emily for Danielle.
Buying into her BS.
Now I see where I screwed up.
I shouldn't be so gullible.
Maybe I was just hopefull.
Anyways. I am 110% Misersable now.
Because I thought I was doing what was right for me at the time.
Now I see.. I was fooled.
Its just sad how my life turns around so quickly. from way too happy and in love to.. this.. shit.. alone..
I guess ill be alone.. and find someone someday that can keep me company.
I wish Emily wasn't right. and I wish Danielle was worth it.
I wanted to believe the things she said and did.
UGH
Now I see Emily WASNT perfect at all. But atleast she was her. She didn't pull too much BS in 6 months, I think Danielle has already topped her in 2 months. LOL
What to do.
Can someone just be real with me?
Can I just have someone who will love me and treat me the way I love and treat them??
I dont understand how that is so hard for people.
If you like someone, you should do your best to make them happy.. right?
Well I think so.
AND
I think there should be 100% honesty. ALWAYS. Even if it hurts someone.
Just some Thoughts.
I just, its lame.. but dont see a reason to live, not that life is all about relationships, but I am a huge fan of love and relationships, it completes ME to make someone smile and happy. It really does. and it makes the rest of my life fall into place, which apparently is not a good thigs according to Emily.
God.
Help.
Me.
Figure out what and where I am suposed to go.
Christmas Break cannot come soon enough I need a break.
It will be my runnaway.
Wish I could take someone special with me for a lovers runnaway.
Is there anything or anyone that i can believe in anymore.
Im so lost.
whats new?
:(

Rough Week..End.

Thursday:
The girl I love(d) with all my heart.. slept with the girl she was casually dating.. that was only suposed to be company and fun and nothing more than kissing.
I was shocked. It hurts. Esp considering our talk a few days prior.
Cried to Matt, he said come to Athens, and he will make me feel better.
I talked to Danielle. Got ready at her place randomly, because I wasn't really on good terms with her.
Went out. Wasn't myself.
My ex locked me in the Bathroom yelling at me.
Danielle got mad, because I kissed a hott gay boy. Shes not my GF so it shouldn't matter. If she wanted me to herself she should have made me her GF.
OH. On the was to Athens Thurs.. I got a Ticket. My first ticket ever.
My friends .. actually one, Emily Bird was a piece of shit that night. But I understand why she is up my exes ass. Doesn't mean she can be like that.
What else...
I broke my 300+ dollar phone.
Friday:
Woke up at Danielles.
Left my stuff there because I was going to tutoring and weights in ATL then coming right back to Athens.
I got back to her place.
She told me, too bad my phone was broke because while I was on the way there, she was on the phone with her mom crying, and her mom told her to come home.
She left me alone.
I didn't hear from her.
Thought she was dead.
She had an accident recently that was the same way, her phone was off.
So i really thought she was dead.
Didnt sleep hardly at all.
Cried a lot.
Sat:
Woke up.. checked my comp every hour in the night waiting for something from Danielle.
Planned on doing HW all day but instead I was freaking out calling EVERYONE to see where danielle was. even messaged her ex.. and people who hate her. lol. AND found her home number online. called.
That night.....
I found out where she was from Elli.
She must have heard her told me bc magically she called me within 5 min after I talked to Elli.
She told me a bunch of BS lies.
I cried all day because I can't find a good person. They are all shit. Every last person.
Em made me to to Macon City to Vals to go out to cheer me up.
I was misserable all night.
I was the buzz kill
I dont remember one thing anyone said that night.
I was so destrought. Idk what was wrong with me. Ive never been that way.
Drank some. Cried more.
My eyes had tears for 24 hours. lol not ok.
Slept in Lauras bed with Em. She held me and I cried. It was sweet.
She is happy with her new girl. and told me i am beautiful and an amazing girl and I will find someone.. basically telling me that we are done. more done than before.. if possible. which is fine i can barely look at her after she fucked kim2.
Sun:
Drove back to Athens.
Talked to Danielle. Told me how sad she is. Welcome to the club girl. Ur not the only one who is a mess and has bad thoughts in the world. Stop being so selfish.
I told her I will be there for her.
Her ex messaged me on FB after.. apparently she says some things.. theres no sure way to know who to believe. Danielle has lied to me multiple times. Friday she did it straight to my face. so how could i trust her at all?
IDK im not ok with liers.
Then I gave pitching lessons, got out of me negative crying mood ive been in all weekend.. because I have to teach my students how to be positive and confident with pitching.. so it made me a lil more positive.. or maybe just a lil less negative.
Now. Im layin in bed.
Danielle is ignoring my texts once again. and i called once.
I deserve so much better than this shit.

I Need Someone That I can Share These Feelings With :]]

I think I have a problem. When it comes to Lyrics and Quotes, I am so obsessed. I can't help it. So here are some quotes I came across today. LOVE THEM. Amazing.


"I’m a fish out of water without you."- Author Unknown
[so cute riight? All of the quotes are amazing, but I think this is so simple and adorable]]

"Will you love me in December as you do in May,Will you love me in the good old fashioned way?When my hair has all turned gray,Will you kiss me then and say,That you love me in December as you do in May?"
~James J. Walker
[[Beautiful && Perfect]]


"If I know what love is,It is because of you." ~ by Herman Hesse ~
"Who cares whether this is a poem or rhyme, I will love you until the end of time… "

"Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up"

"Do I love you because you’re beautiful,Or are you beautiful because I love you?"

"For you see, each day I love you moreToday more than yesterday and less than tomorrow."



“Honey…I love you; not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.”

"Where ever I go, whatever I do, I carry a little part of you with me right here in the center of me heart."

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession, everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it, those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never… never forget it."

"Your absence has gone through me..Like thread through a needle Everything I do is stitched with its color."
~W.S. Merwin, “Separation”

"If I never met you, I wouldn’t like you. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t love you. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t miss you. But I did, I do, and I will."- Author Unknown
[ii just thiink thiis iis cUtE]


"Within you I lose myself…Without you I find myself…..Wanting to be lost again."
-Author Unknown
[ii thiink thiis iis vEry trUe wiith a lOt Of rElatiionshiips]

"I’ve learned…that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel"

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk foreverin my garden."
-Attributed to Claudia Ghandi
[[pErfEct]]

"You may only be one person to the worldBut you may also be the world to one person."

"No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all."

"Sing like no one is listening, dance like no one is watching, love like you’ll never get hurt and live like its heaven on earth”

"I’ve learnedthat no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief."

“Maybe I’m holding on to you too tightly, wishing every nite on my star that you’ll come back. Please forgive me for the way I look at you and the things I say. I can’t help it that I fell for you like I did. One day I’ll finally realize that we weren’t meant to be. But until that day comes I’ll keep the memories close. You’ll still be the first thing on my mind when I wake up and my last thoughts before I drift on in dream.” -Author Unknown
[[OMG totally completely explains SO much iin my liife]]

"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can play together all night."-Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
:]]

"I’ve learned…that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."
[[this is funnnnnny!]

"I’ve been laying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then."-Author Unknown
[[Some quotes are just so amazing]]

"I’ve learned…that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have."

"I have waited for you for 2 years and I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Even if that means I have to give you up for the rest of my life, I will wait for you. I love you that much and nothing will ever change that."-Author Unknown

"I’ve learned…that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others, Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself."

"Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them."

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind."
- Dr. Seuss

"I know you’ve been busy, I had things to do too. We haven’t talked for some time, I wonder if everything’s fine. I had other stuff on me mind, I’m sure you did too, but I just had to tell you this my friend…" hey I miss you.-Author Unknown

When I miss you, sometimes I listen to music or look at pictures of you, not to remind me of you but to make me feel as if I’m with you. It makes me forget the distance and capture you."
-Author Unknown
[[omg is all I have to say]]

"I’ve learned…that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different."

"Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.Doubt thou the stars are fire; doubt that the sun doth move; doubt truth to be a liar;but never doubt I love you.I love thee, I love but thee with a love that shall not die.Till the sun grows cold and the stars grow old."
-William Shakespeare, 1564 - 1616

"No matter how far you are, no matter how long I’m gone, you will always be with me. I will see you always as clear as day, for our love knows no boundries and never will, because you see… our hearts are one, and mine is always home."-Author Unknown

Fool Me Once

Two girls who have made me extremely happy. They are exactly alike. I loved the one on the right with all my heart. I will always love her, but not in the same way. I got caught up in the moment a few times. The girl on the right doesnt believe the way I feel about the girl on the right. This is understandable conisidering she is still in love with her ex.

I cared too much and let my gaurd down to soon for the girl on the left. I know better than to do that. You think I would have learned the first time with the girl on the right. But I feel like I made all the same mistakes with the girl on the right.

I wish the girl on the left would have understood my feelings for her. The girl on the right understands my feelings for the one on the left. I didnt love the girl on the left like the girl on the right, that girl on the right literally was love at first sight almost, it was amazing. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them.

I felt like the girl on the left and I were perfect for eachother because we were so much a like. I have always, always wished I could date someone like me. Someone who does and says all the sweet little things that I always do. Esp. someone who likes to tickle me.. sounds akward, but the girl on the left always did, and I had to beg the girl on the right and she would complain or say no. Its like I could give the girl on the right the shirt off my back and she would never do the same for me. The girl on the left, I would give her the shirt off my back, she would give me her shirt, shoes, pants, everything for anyone, and that is how I am. I wanted someone like her. I found her, but she didn't think she found what she was looking for.

I just think it is sad that I hurt almost the same for both. One broke my heart because I loved her so much, and the other broke my heart because I just love being around her, she makes me smile, and I love more than anything to make her smile, ugh, there is so much I can say. I just think it is pointless. This is just me venting.

I wish these two could read my mind and know how I really feel.

Im lost, once again.

I hate myself.

seriously.

hate.

me.

A Mess

My head is killing me.
I can't stop grinding my teeth.
I don't know what is going on in my head anymore.
I just need someone to help me.
She destroyed me.
I let her.
Its all my fault.
I can't keep it together when Im alone.
I can't be okay and content alone.
I can't get my mind off things that I don't want it on.
Why is it so hard?
I just want to forget her because I can't be okay thinking about the past and her.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why?

I think Im drowning. Can Someone Lend Me a Hand?

Sorry never was enough. Saying things will change was not enough. Actions speak louder than words. You realize what you lost. You did not want me. All i was waiting for was a true and honest sorry, actually knowing what you did wrong and making me believe that you are sorry for it. Some things are unfogiveable, but do you even know everything that hurt me? How can you be sorry for something you did if you dont even know what those things are?
Im lost. I can't live with or without you. I need our friendship. That is all I ask of you right now.
I will always love you. Just not the same as I use to. And I cannot tell you that I ever can again.
You ask what you need to do. I cannot tell you exactly, mainly because I am not even sure. My mind is somewhere else now.
Things should not be this complicated.

Life Or Something Like It

I know what I want. I know what I should do. I know all of this, yet I am still confused, lost, unsure about everything.
My Code Names [lol]: Daniel && Emery. [[LOL]]
OK. From pasts posts you should be able to tell that I was totally and completely in love with "Emery". He decided to break up with me after 6 months for no good reason. Really his ex girlfriend put a bunch of non-sense in his head. Basically he didn't really love me and wanted things with his ex again.. we will call her Kimery.
OK so thats why I am in the predicament that is currently going on.
So.. I went home for week. When I came back, Emery and I were not talking at all by her choice. This is when Emery and Kimery were on good terms. Then when I went out on the weekends, I went a little single crazy and kissed a bunch of people. And I looked really hott. haha. Then when things with Kimery and Emery went a little south.. and I had met an amazing guy named Daniel...she decided that she always loved me and wants me back.
Now Emery is constantly telling me he loves me, misses me, and he talks about getting married and talks about our future kids. He says things I would have loved to hear a two months ago. He is telling me the things I told him when he broke up with me. I told him how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
He told me to move on and he doesnt love me anymore. I said I am not giving up. After mulitple times of being rejected and being told that I should just move on and find someone else, I did. I met Daniel. Daniel and I are pretty involved. Not dating, but pretty close. I like him a lot. He is amazing. I have not found anything wrong with him yet.
I used to feel the same way about Emery.
Should I give him a second chance?
I don't know what to do?
99% of my thought say I should move on.
But he is so excited and wants me back so bad.
IDK
im eating..
ill add more later maybe.
ugh.
FML

When Can I Be Happy Again?

Well I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.. if that is how the sang goes. Basically, I feel like I am not allowed to be happy. I found someone.. a good friendish for now who makes me smile more than makes me mad which seems like an okay person to have around but my ex loves to tell me otherwise. I think its funny they don't even know eachother well enough to say things they say about eachother. I guess they are just going off what I have said. Yes I should not complain to my ex about my new friendish person.. but my ex is someone that is important to me and i cant wait until the day when we can either be together or be friends.. because right now we are stuck and its not good for either of us. I will add more later. Going to Practice.

As I Predicted

Well. Just as I predicted. I wasn't freaking out for no reason. There was a harsh break up. Lost someone I loved, someone I could see a future with.. and worst of all a best friend. But in the end I was not treated very well by her.. so I figure I am better off without her in my life. It just really bites when I took this huge risk. Something I would never ordinarily do. She promised me everything would be okay. I guess you cannot predict the future, but I was hoping she was serious about everything being okay. And the first time I let me guard down with someone this happened. I knew I should have protected my heart more. At first that what I thought she was doing. I thought she was worried about getting hurt. But I think she is just selfish and weak. So I feel bad for her. She lost the best thing that she will ever have. The best GF and person in her life, that will be there forever. Don't get me wrong. She has some AMAZING friends. Really. You know the sang, you are who you surround yourself with, not true with her. Her friends are amazing. She is not so much. She is a fake. She seems amazing. But now that I have been thinking back. She always said everything had to be about me. Which she needs to take a good long hard look in the mirror because baby for the past 6 months it was all about her. We are both women, so we both have a little of it in us.. Also, I did everything possible for this girl. I spent every penny on her. I did and said everything I could to make her happy. I would have gladly given her the shirt off my back. Idk. There so much more I can add. I just am annoyed thinking about this person who is so horrible. She has always been the one to be treated badly in a relationship. I guess I was the one that she got to treat bad for her. Well Karma is a bitch and I know it will come back and bite you in the butt one day soon. And I might enjoy it. I was just your little fun. Your toy. I think you stayed with me to keep things simple and so you had a place to live really. Ha what a joke you and I were such a joke thanks to you. I just have to say that she needs to make a big change in her life or else shes never going to be happy.

Just to add. How pathetic is it for me to transfer to a school that was closes to her because I loved her so much. Pretty sad on my part. I'm an idiot. Even though school is turning out well. Its still horrible. So maybe she should have gotten the balls to do what she did a little before I decided where I was transferring.. you think.. hmm.. thanks Emily, your so sweet.

Is she losing interest in me and our love?

Basically, it is what the title says. I am wondering, is she losing interest in me, in us. She says we are just going through that stage in our relationship where we aren't as excited as we were at the beginning. First off, I think thats a load of crap. If you are in love with someone you don't lose excitement. Yes, things are going to change, I understand that, but after just hitting the four month mark and she can already go without giving me a kiss or hug, a peck.. common now. Something, that makes me feel she is still interested in me. She said in class she learned something about communicating without out words, like actions and hand movements and facial expressions. Well I thought it was really interesting so I googled it one day when she was at work. According to the site I was on, she has no interest in what I say, which I could completely tell anyways. I was just hoping that I was wrong. We could be talking and when I talk, she is looking at anything but me. And, she texts constantly, which I mean I understand, I text a lot. But when we are in the middle of a convo and she texts.. rude.. or when she reads all my texts and I cant read hers. She freaks out and deletes them, then lets me look to find nothing. I am pretty paranoid I guess but I feel like I am given reasons to feel this way. And.. She is best friends with her ex, we will call her Sarah? ok. So I am fine with her being "best friends" with her ex who she was very serious with even with my girlfriends friends insisting it is a horrible idea. But she texts her more than anybody. IDK I don't text my ex BF that much. Rarely. I could be acting ridiculous right now but I need to write these things. The other day, another one of her ex's called, which is ok I have met her and like her a lot, but my GF had her on speaker phone and when this girl mentioned Sarah's name she immediately took it off speaker. hiding something, then when she heard it was just that Sarah was made at this girl, my GF put it back on speaker. weird. I also feel like I cannot talk to her about ANYTHING. Seriously, she says she wants to work on things out and grow as a couple, but then again every time she does something that bothers me or hurts me I tell her, in a calm way just letting her know. And her reaction every time is " OK LETS JUST ADD THAT TO THE LIST OF EVERYTHING I CAN'T DO RIGHT WITH YOU. EVERY THING I DO IS WRONG". So I feel like I should just keep everything to myself. ALSO, she ALWAYS brings up I wonder what so and so (MY FRIEND) is doing why don't you call her and see if she wants to hang out? Is she trying to give me a hint to go away and leave her alone? (ps we live together) She says sometimes she needs space, which I understand but I never know what she really wants, I wish she would be honest and straight up with me and tell me what she wants, and when. ALSO sex. OMG after 4 months, she already doesn't pay me attention, she used to tell me I looked sexy or she would ask me to come to bed and basically want me all the time, now I feel like I'm alone in the wanting department, I still want her, I am still crazy in love with her. It all makes me sad sometimes. I'm not trying to make it sound like shes all to blame, just need to vent. Maybe I am just freaking out a little because in a little over a month I am moving to another state and I feel like she is going to break up with me. I don't want that at all but i cannot force something that she doesn't want. We would both be miserable that way. All this was good to get off my chest. If there is anything more I can think of I will add it later. I just want to end this by saying, things have changed with us, I know she loves me and I love her. I plan on being with her in the future. I feel like the future is all up to her. The ball is in her court.

Looking in from the Outside

I think it is funny people watching and seeing how people act around different people. The football guy who flirts with every girl and "tries" anything with woman parts.. lol.. and the one girl who actually fell for his bullshit routine acts. That is the same girl who fell for the same type of guy a few months before. Like she is just trying to find someone who loves her. How can someone be so desperate? Or maybe she really just has no idea of how they really are and just has bad luck, but then again shouldn't her friends tell her. Maybe the do and she doesn't care or listen. Most people and myself who know how these guys are just sit around and think who would ever really fall for that crap and see the guy as a nasty, dirty, pig. I don't understand how some girls can be so blind, repeatably.
Then theres the guy who dumped the girl (me) for someone else (other icky girl lol), after explaining how much in love he was with me. I knew it was crap and didn't feel the same towards him, basically knew it was all crap and guys can't be trusted, they all just want one thing, just like moms always say when we are younger. lol. Anyways. I think its hilarious that he keeps staring at me every time he sees me. Maybe he regrets. But it wouldn't make a difference because I completely happy with the person that I am with now. I just chuckle every time.

Wonderwall By Oasis

This song makes me think of someone.... special i guess... this person always makes me smile!




Today is gonna be the day That they're gonna throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you gotta do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now Back beat the word was on the street That the fire in
your heart is out I'm sure you've heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don't believe that anybody feels The way I do about you now And all the roads we have to walk along are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I would Like to say to you I don't know how Because maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall Today was gonna be the day? But they'll never throw it back to you By now you should've somehow Realized what you're not to do I don't believe that anybody Feels the way I do About you now And all the roads that lead to you were winding And all the lights that light the way are blinding There are many things that I would like to say to you I don't know how I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after all You're my wonderwall I said maybe You're gonna be the one who saves me ? And after an You're my wonderwall Said maybe You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me You're gonna be the one that saves me

The Nicest Thing Kate Nash

<3
All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish I was your favorite smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen;
I wish that we could see if we could be something

Confused

I have something that going on right now that is extremely confusing to me. I thought I wanted to write about it on my blog, but I just changed my mind! so.. instead of that Ill say my team went 4-1 in Miami, I pitched well. My team basically kicked ass with the exception of one game.

Valentines Day

Valentines Day is STUPID

Had A Bad Day Again

Fuel
I had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note that said Im sorry, i
I had a bad day again

She spilled her coffee broke a shoelace
Smeared the lipstick on her face
Slammed the door and said Im sorry, i
I had a bad day again

And she swears theres nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on
I had a bad day again

She said I would not understand
She left a note and said Im sorry i
I had a bad day again
Nooo...

And she swears theres nothing wrong
I hear her playing that same old song
She puts me up and puts me on
Oh I had a bad day again

She said I would not understand
She left a note that said Im sorry, i
I had a bad day again
She left a note that said Im sorry, i
I had a bad day
Nooo
Nooo
Nooo
Nooo
Alright
Oooooo
Ohhh

So my boyfriend of four years.. I recently broke up with him, well we were on kind of a break because I am going to school 3000 miles away. I jokingly said.. do you have a valentine? He said possibly. Now he told me that he like this new girl Courtney? And that she is his Valentine. He said: "we like eachother" well congrats Zack! Have a great life without me in it. I am trying not to act ridiculous about this but I can't help it. I know that I should just leave it alone and let him do whatever. I mean he really was not the best boyfriend and I deserve better, but then again I really was not the best girlfriend. I made way to many mistakes. But its all over now. A weight off my shoulders. I almost cried. I feel like bawling but I stop myself because that is just ridiculous. okay.
Peace. Love. Happiness. :P
"SMILE"
Kate

Today is a Great Day

Its all about positive talk. I cannot wait to go to practice today! It is going to be such a great practice! I really cannot wait until tomorrow when we actually get to play a game! :o) Well things have been pretty decent so far today.. now off to practice to tie up the great day! Wish me Luck!
Goals for today:
* Get mt first move
* Get four seams of my rise
* Make the Chang-up "natural" again!

Walk out song (pitching)

My walk out song for Spring 2008:
Ball and Chain (Social Distortion)
Social Distortion Lyrics

Ball And Chain Lyrics

Well it's been ten years, and a thousand tears
And look at the mess I'm in-
A broken nose and a broken heart,
An empty bottle of gin
Well I sit and I pray
In my broken down Chevrolet-
While I'm singin' to myself
There's got to be another way

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I've searched and I've searched
To find the perfect life-
A brand new car and a brand new suit
I even got me a little wife-
But wherever I have gone
I was sure to find myself there-
You can run all your life
But not go anywhere

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

Well I'll pass the bar on the way
To my dingy hotel room-
I spent all my money
Been drinkin' since a half past noon-
I'll wake there in the mornin'
Or maybe in the county jail-
Times are hard getting harder
I'm born to lose and destined to fail-

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain
Take away, take away
Never to return again
Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain

What do you think? I like this song, I was also thinking Mommy's Little Monster or Ring of Fire by Social Distortion. Well.. Ill be hearing this great tune a lot :o)

Pitching

I pitch for the University of Georgia softball team. So far my pitching has been looking decent. should be better by now since our first game is this Friday. We have six games this weekend, yes six! The big games of the weekend are against De Paul. They are a good hitting team so this should be a good way to start off the season. But what I am really excited about is when we travel to my home, California. We get to play UCLA, I hope I get to pitch and then dominate there ass. :) But we also get to play Oregon.. again, we played them last year, we get to redeem ourselves. More like I personally get to redeem myself. So I am hoping I get to pitch against them. But I would rather pitch against UCLA, well, I would rather pitch against both teams. The team should be really, really, good this year, even though we are young. I cannot wait to show the SEC, and the country how bad ass Georgia softball is, and every team should and will be worried about playing UGA. I will keep updating about the games, this just happened to be at the top of my mind. The teams we are competing against should be worried about my rise and change, you know what, even my curve. They should be even more worried about the team I have behind me which is outstanding. We play with No Fear.
Go Dawgs
Peace, Love, Happiness
Kate

Macroeconomics

Well.. I got my first test grade back. Not anything to be proud of at all. I am barely hanging on in school these days and I feel completely lost. I seriously do not know how to get a good grade. I mean I studied soo much and no luck. a 65 percent is not acceptable for the amount of study time I put into this test! This picture is perfect for me right now... lol.. ergh! I hate this and I need to pick up my grades. Nothing lower than a B-.. Well we will see what I got on my TXMI test tomorrow. That better be a better grade then this 65.. Horrible!
Peace, Love, Happiness
Signing out
Kate

"Seize The Day"

Live every day to the fullest. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself "today is a great day!" This is my first blog post and this is the first thing that I thought of. I miss home a lot. I love California. I currently live in Athens, Georgia, I'm attending the University of Georgia. I am a sophomore and play softball for the school. I have decided that I want to be a photography major. Photography is something that I love. This is seriously the one thing that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life and really enjoying it! I am currently single. Broke up with the love of my life, whom I was dating for almost four years. But I think it is for the best. If we are meant to be together, we will be in the future, but right now I am doing the right thing separating myself during college because being almost 4,000 miles away was not working out.
okay well I got to go watch Gossip Girl on the CW.
Peace, Love, Happiness
Kate